nothing really…

I might be the calmest person in the world. Just yesterday I was driving and I hit an icy patch. The swerved from right to left, one side have a big ass truck while the other was a nice snowy path that may or maynot have a huge drop to it. First thought in my head was… “Eh, I should have left the house earlier.” I didn’t panic at all, I just slowed down and continued on my way.

That is the story of my life. I rarely panic. I don’t get too nervous. I just keep on. but there are times that the weight of the world gets to me. And during those times I just seem to do nothing. Nothing at all. It is like my brain doesn’t want to work. It doesn’t want to allow me to do simple things. I start to feel lost and scatterbrained.

Lately there have been plenty of things that are really bothering me. The loss of a family member. Another situation that I won’t get into, but deep down really has me worried. There are other things going on also and I can’t seem to catch up at the moment. But like always, I will be fine. Hopefully the people around be will also.

I think that part of the reason that I act this way is because I think a lot about loss. I think a lot about death. But It just seems so unreal to me. Just something that I can’t comprehend. the idea of not having a person in your life anymore is a fearful thing. They just cease to exist.

I remember when my Grandmother passed. I don’t think that I’ve ever took something that hard before. I lost so much drive and I don’t think that I have been the same since. Probably because I was giving my all to make sure that she was fine during her last days. Now I feel like I am still trying to find rest from that time. I don’t know why I feel that way, but that was a really long time ago. But something so long ago can still affect me it seems.

Losing loved ones or potentially losing someone important to you is frightening, too frightening. Even for someone like myself that wonders how can I be so calm sometimes. But even when I am calm, panic still affects me.  The goal is to make sure that it doesn’t stick around to long.